


Witchcraft!

by intellexual_asexual



Series: Ego Short Stories [12]
Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, Jacksepticeye Power Hour (Web Series)
Genre: all of you, jesus fuck give my babies some TAGS, no beta we die like actor mark, seriously all of you are sleeping on the cranks, shame on yall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:00:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29020839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intellexual_asexual/pseuds/intellexual_asexual
Summary: Marvin decides to finally show the Cranks some magic, but someone is... less than entertained.Original prompt: "Marvin tries showing the Cranks some magic but Father Ethan comes in and accuses Marvin of witchcraft. I mean, he’s technically not wrong, but it takes several hours to convince Father Ethan that Marvin isn’t the Devil" (oops I modified it just a teensy bit)Requested by: Imyourmomnow
Series: Ego Short Stories [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2106381
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Witchcraft!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Daydream_Fuel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daydream_Fuel/gifts).



> Whaaaakjkshgs *heavy breathing* t h e c r a n k s  
> GOD I love reading and writing about them, stay tuned for more Crank stuff. And some of this won't make sense if you have absolutely no idea who the characters are, and I really need to release my headcanons for them so y'all won't be confused kjfhlasghkd Anyway, enjoy!

The Septics don’t visit the Cranks too often. And they have a good reason not to.

You see, Ethan Nestor’s creations are a bit more…  _ underdeveloped _ than those of Fischbach or McGloughlin. They tend to change moods or powers at the drop of a hat, the twitch of a finger, the push of a metaphorical or literal button. Since Nestor hasn’t officially made any ‘canon’ egos, it’s up to his fans to decide their attributes. But  _ man _ , they can not agree on anything.

So it was with the greatest remorse that Marvin the Magnificent was shoved through his own portal into the Cranks’ living room. He turned around before the doorway closed completely to see all of his brothers (yes,  _ all _ of them) giving him a mock soldier’s salute. He sighed and facepalmed as the portal disappeared.

Marvin turned around and nearly jumped out of his skin. Mad Mike was about three centimeters from the magician’s face as he said, “Well hi there!! Marvin, right? Sorry, I have trouble remembering names ever since the last time I faded, ha!”

Marvin was unnerved at how easily Mike discussed fading. He shivers whenever he thinks about how often the Cranks lose and gain members of their household, even though Nestor hasn’t made nearly as many personas as Fischbach.

Marvin gently pushed Mike away from his face and said, “Yeah, I’m Marvin.”

Mike bounced up and down, his soda jerk hat flickering in and out of existence. Marvin was suddenly reminded of Yandereplier as Mike asked, “Well, what brings you over here, Marvin? It’s not anyone’s birthday, is it?” He looked around Marvin as if he was searching for a gift box.

Marvin walked further into the living room, trying to find literally any other ego to talk to. “I just came to see how you all are doing.”

That was a lie. The truth was that he came over, like on any other visit, to make sure they were all still alive. Even though most of Nestor’s egos come back after fading for a while, there was no guarantee that one of them would remain present if the others disappeared. If all of them faded and no one was left to maintain the Crank house, even for a second, well… 

Marvin didn’t want to dwell on that for too long, and perhaps the only reason he did was because BlankGamePlays walked in.

Blank rarely came out of his room except for basic necessities, and Marvin figured he was headed to the kitchen. The sad entity’s ever-flowing black tears stained the carpet as he silently passed by Marvin and Mike. The only thing he did to acknowledge Marvin’s visitation was a miniscule nod in his general direction.

Blank moped off, and Mike started blabbing something about his newest ice cream flavor. Marvin did not listen to a single word coming out of his mouth as he maneuvered through the house, which was surprisingly huge even though there were only a handful of Cranks.

Marvin responded with the occasional “Wow” or “Fascinating” to keep Mike talking, until he finally happened upon another living being. 

Well, he guessed it was  _ all _ of the living beings.  _ 2, 3, 5, …  _ Yeah, the rest of the Cranks were out here.

In the backyard of the Cranks’ house, there was a concrete patio and a pool. There  _ was _ some lawn space, but it was toward the very back and it was more of a strip than an actual patch of grass. Bernice and Mrs. Thomson were laying on the two patio chairs, soaking in the sun as they talked. The Postman was about to jump off of the diving board, and YahooGamePlays was currently trying to squirt Father Ethan with a water gun. A rather large one, actually. Marvin hoped he didn’t accidentally knock the old man into the pool.

Mike suddenly poofed away in a puff of cotton candy-scented smoke. Marvin walked over to Bernice and Mrs. Thomson, and Bernice sat up and pushed her sunglasses up and her red hair behind her. “Well, hey there! Long time no see, Mr. Magic Man. What’s up?”

Marvin laughed and shook his head at the nickname. “Just came over to see how everyone was, it’s been a while since I visited.”

Mrs Thomson smiled and said, “Well, we’re all doing good dear. Except for Blank, that poor thing, I don’t think he’ll ever be good. I made some cookies, would you like some, sweetie?”

Marvin’s grin only widened as he took a chocolate-chip cookie from the poolside table and thanked the old lady. Maybe he should visit more often, after all.

_ Splash! _

OK, maybe not.

The women (and Marvin) shrieked as Post and Yahoo caused the pool water to splash up and over the side of the pool, and all over the cookies. Marvin now held a soggy cookie as he scowled at the two laughing egos.

Bernice also had a frown on her face. “Ugh, Yahoo, Post! What the hell?! And I thought Yahoo couldn’t get wet anymore, anyway? Post, oh my God, you might’ve killed him!”

Post stopped laughing suddenly and looked over at Yahoo, who looked… perfectly fine. He said, “I am alright, Bernice. I discovered this morning that I am waterproof again.”

Bernice sat back in her chair and covered her eyes with her hands, relieved that the android wasn’t going to actually die. Mrs. Thomson got up out of hers, picking up the plate of wet cookies before saying, “I suppose I’ll go make another batch of these. Any preferences, dearies?”

Post perked up again. “Ooh, ooh, yeah, can you make those oatmeal raisin ones?!”

Yahoo, Bernice, and Marvin looked at Post with faces of obvious disgust, but Mrs. Thomson smiled as she walked by and patted his head. “Alright, sweetie.”

Once Mrs. Thomson was out of earshot and eyesight, Bernice hopped up and pushed Post back into the pool. “That’s for splashing us with water—”

She snatched the water gun from Yahoo, tossing her hair back before cocking the gun. “—and this is for liking oatmeal raisin cookies!”

Post shouted, “No! Have mercy! My tastebuds were scripted wrong, I’m sorry!” as Bernice shot huge blasts of water at him.

She finally stopped as Marvin and Yahoo continued to laugh. She pointed to Father Ethan and asked, “What do you have to say about this?”

Father Ethan observed the scene and slowly replied, “About eating oatmeal raisin cookies? Once again, kind of weird but not a sin.”

And Marvin, Yahoo, and Post went into another fit of laughter as Bernice facepalmed and groaned.

~ ꕤꕤꕤꕤꕤ ~

Marvin realized after his fifth cookie that he had never actually shown the Cranks any magic tricks.

He never usually did show people his magic, unless he used it to do something that he didn’t feel like getting up for. But he had known the Cranks for a few years now, and despite them knowing he was a magician, Marvin never used his magic around them.

He decided that today would be the day that that changed.

Marvin wanted his magic to be a surprise, and something that all of them would like and not freak out over. So he went with something simple: levitating objects.

“Hey, Marvin, could you pass me the jug of milk?”

_ Yes! _ Marvin grinned as he said, “No problem, Post. But that’s kind of gross, you know, dipping oatmeal cookies in milk.”

Their conversation carried on as the milk jug slowly left the counter and floated over to the dining table, a haze of green surrounding it.

“Aw, come on, it’s not  _ that  _ bad!”

“Yes it is, Post.”

The jug was ten feet away.

“Yahoo, shut up, you can’t even eat!”

“Yes, well, my database tells me that most people dislike oatmeal raisin cookies. Especially if they are put into milk.”

Five feet.

“Well those people are just salty that they picked up an oatmeal cookie and expected a chocolate chip! They don’t count!”

“Uh, I think they should count. I mean—”

“Bernice whatever you are about to say better be in favor of my raisin cookies or I swear—!”

It was one foot away when Father Ethan walked in. Marvin had been inches, mere  _ inches _ , from success before disaster struck.

Father Ethan screamed and everyone else screamed in response, as the milk jug crashed to the floor. It, thankfully, didn’t bust open.

Everyone looked at Father Ethan, confused as he pointed a shaking finger at Marvin. “Wha— Witchcraft!! He’s a witch!”

Marvin raised an eyebrow and raised the milk jug again with his powers. Father Ethan looked like he was having a heart attack as the magician said, “Well, um… I don’t know what you were expecting. I am a magician, after all.”

Father Ethan was still stuttering and trying to speak, and Marvin feared that the old priest  _ was _ having a heart attack before he screamed again and ran out of the room.

Marvin was concerned, and naturally he asked, “Is he going to be OK?”

Post shrugged as he took the jug from the air beside Marvin, and Yahoo was the one to actually answer him. “Father Ethan will be alright. He is not used to our… uh, abilities.”

Marvin did not know what to make of that. You would think that several years of living with an android, a demon (two demons, actually, if you  _ really _ wanted to count Blank), and a psychopath would have prepared the priest for a small show of magic, but apparently not.

They let the topic drop as Post and Bernice continued to argue about the oatmeal cookies. Blank walked in a few minutes later and their voices dropped to a whisper, but then they picked it back up as he left with a separate plate of goods that Mrs. Thomson had baked him. Marvin thought he saw the smallest of smiles on Blank’s face as he walked out of the dining room.

~ ꕤꕤꕤꕤꕤ ~

Marvin had to leave an hour after that, but something… delayed him.

Just as he was conjuring up a portal home, he heard Father Ethan scream. He looked at Bernice and Yahoo, who were in the living room to see him off, and they shrugged. His shouts became comprehensible as he rounded the corner, a large blow torch in hand.

“BURN THE WITCH!!”

Bernice and Yahoo screamed and tried telling him variations of “no” as Marvin stopped the portal spell and completed one for a shield. It was lime green and spread over all three of them, as Father Ethan continually blasted the torch in their direction.

“Now what is going on over he—AAAHHHH!”

Poor Mrs. Thomson. She would have been burnt to a crisp if Marvin hadn’t made another shield appear.

He decided that maybe he should just trap Father Ethan in a bubble or something before he tried to hurt anyone else. Which is exactly what he did, poofing in his spellbook and quickly skipping through it before finding the one he wanted. 

He made the shields disappear for all of two seconds as Father Ethan was put into a large, green bubble. The bubble allowed Father Ethan to breathe so he wouldn’t suffocate, but it was soundproofed from the inside. Marvin couldn’t hear a word the old man was shouting at him.

Bernice and Yahoo sighed, relieved that they didn’t have to break it to the Septics that their brother died on their watch. Mrs. Thomson crossed her arms, suddenly very stern looking, and even Marvin cowered a bit like a child caught in the act of a prank as she said, “Alright, what did you all do?”

Bernice bit her lip and said, “He saw Marvin do a trick and he thinks he’s a witch.”

Marvin spoke up. “Well, I mean, he’s not wrong—”

Yahoo clapped a hand to the magician’s mouth to make him keep quiet. He whispered out of the corner of his mouth, “You are  _ not _ helping your case.”

Mrs. Thomson raised an eyebrow but let the stern facade go. She now looked concerned, and she walked up to Marvin and started checking him for injuries. “Oh, sweetie, he didn’t actually get you, did he? Father Ethan can be a bit much sometimes, hon, I remember when—”

Marvin stopped her as she squished his face. “Mrs. Th’ms’n, ‘m ‘K, r’lly.”

She let him go and said, “Oh, well, if you’re sure. I just don’t want you going home hurt, dear.”

Marvin smiled at the old woman, happy that she cared about him. “I’m alright. Thanks for the concern though, Mrs. Thomson.”

He looked over at Father Ethan and his bubble, and saw that he was still shouting. He sighed as he approached it. Bernice and Yahoo stepped forward too, but he waved them off. He popped the bubble and asked through the priest’s momentary confusion, “Are you going to listen to an explanation now, or are you going to keep trying to turn me into bacon?”

Father Ethan turned the blow torch back on and screamed “WITCH!!”

“Bacon it is, then,” Marvin calmly said as he was chased away from the living room and through the rest of the house.

~ ꕤꕤꕤꕤꕤ ~

Henrik von Schneeplestein was sipping coffee on a couch and reading when Marvin came back from the Cranks. He wondered what had taken him so long? Usually the Septics’ visits only lasted for an hour at best, as they were just there to make sure no one was dead or the house wasn’t demolished, but today Marvin took a good five hours. Schneeplestein expected the magician to have at least three trays of Mrs. Thomson’s baked goods or tubs of Mad Mike’s ice cream, but instead he tripped through his portal with… burn marks.

Schneeplestein had to do a double take. Marvin was burned? What the hell did he do over there?

Schneeplestein set his book down next to his coffee mug and asked, “Marvin! How did you end up lookink like zat?”

Marvin looked over at the doctor tiredly before answering with, “A magician never reveals his secrets. 

“…Except today. To a certain priest.”

Marvin flopped on the couch opposite Schneeplestein as he laughed and said, “Vell, vhat did I tell you?”

Marvin just groaned and flipped him off, as Schneeplestein picked his book back up and continued reading. At least  _ his _ next forced visit wasn’t scheduled until a few months from now. Though he was craving some of Mrs. Thomson’s oatmeal raisin cookies, and cursed Marvin quietly in German since he didn’t bring any home.

“I heard that. And there’s a reason I didn’t snag those  _ disgusting _ cookies.”

Schneeplestein let Marvin tell him the whole story as got up off of the couch and tended to his injuries, laughing the entire time that he described being chased by a rabid priest. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry to any of you that enjoy oatmeal raisin cookies, I am your standard pasty American child, and by default I hate them sjhklffj. Also this kind of turned out to be a crackfic oops kdfjkghf.  
> As always, make sure to leave a comment if you liked this work, and don't be afraid to request another!


End file.
